17 May 2006

Rioting in the … what?

by Clark Kent
As news of the Da Vinci Code dominates the Today show in the hope that no one will notice that Katie Couric is leaving for really big money at CBS, Christians and people who wish they were Christians are causing chaos worldwide in protest of the new movie starring Tom Hanks.

No fewer than 7 books have been published by Protestant and Catholic scholars refuting the historical errors of the work, and they are selling at a tepid pace. Nuns are praying at the foot of the cross. Opus Dei is opening up its trade schools and inviting the press to come in and have a look around at the lives it is changing.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Frank Turk, owner of Kingdom Bound Books in Siloam Springs, AR. "Christians are completely off the chiz-ain about this. You'd think that Dan Brown's book glibly desecrated the most sacred beliefs of almost half the world population. Next thing you know, somebody's going to call for a boycott of Playstation and the Andy Griffith Show and all Aich-Eee-double-hockey-sticks is going to break loose."

Protests worldwide have resulted in innumerable costs in human lives and property damage -- because nobody has been killed and nothing has been burned or looted.

Al Jezeera released a video taped joint statement from Osama bin Laden & Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who said, "We can't compete with this kind of rampant unrest. We have suspended Jihad by order of the imam in the bottom of the well until you loopy bread-eaters get a grip. Burning embassies is one thing, but you people are making us gassy with fear!" CIA analysts have yet to make anything of the donkey-like laughter clearly heard in the backround of that recording.

UPDATED: In related news, Pat Robertson has heard from God, and of course it's a prophecy of doom -- against the United States. A brief statement from Al Qaida was aired on Al Jezeera: "Werd Dat". Again, CIA analysts have yet to make anything of this cryptic statement.


David A. Carlson said...


is way funnier

Q: Why are Christians so upset about this book, if it's true?
A: Christians are dedicated to covering up The Truth about Jesus and the society of lady/man painters. What Brown uncovered in his research is the shocking truth of Christianity: Jesus was a regular dude, and a regular dude who wanted Mary Magdalene to be the first pope. Christians don't want that to come out, because the central tenet of Christianity is oppressing women. That, and getting Republicans into office.

kletois said...

I now see you said that with tongue in cheek. You had me fooled for awhile ;-)

Kent Brandenburg said...

As Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat bread."

Gryphonette said...

What'd really be ironic is if the movie is the bomb its reception at the Cannes Film Festival suggests it will be.

The audience laughed in the wrong places, and not only was there NO applause at the roll of the credits, but some boos and hisses were heard.

Whaddaya wanna bet it's in the second run theaters by July 4th, and being shipped by Netflix by Labor Day?

It is telling that far from riots and mayhem, the Christian response to a Christ-dishonoring piece of junk is to write books and hold seminars.

Christians! Someone hold us back!

HeavyDluxe said...


"off the chiz-ain" = teh funny

Kim said...

All I can say is that I'm having a hard time pushing out of my mind a picture of Frank in a Superman costume.

FX Turk said...


That's sin, sister. I'll be praying for you.

Momo said...

I noticed that Robertson hedged his bets. "If I heard God right."

Can you picture Jonah at Ninevah? "Yet 40 days and Ninevah shall be destroyed - maybe."

Momo said...

Oh, and according to the Dallas Morning News a week or so ago there were something like 63 books available at amazon refuting the Code. Even the Jesus Seminar people were embarrassed by its "historical facts."

Kim said...


Please do pray. It's an image I don't particularly want :-)

Kay said...

How about a T-bone steak in a superman costume? Or a yellow cartoon pug-dog? He's just ferocious, that bookstore owner..

FX Turk said...

james --

Yeah, I did 150 words on "if I heard God right" at my blog.

Here's my statement on that here: anyone on the non-cessationist side of the fence who reads this blog want to stand up for Robertson's liberty to promote the spiritual gifts?


Solameanie said...

I do wish Pat Robertson would put a cork in it. It amazes me he can so glibly say that the Lord told him this and that. I tremble when I preach from Scripture reciting what the Lord DID say, knowing how vital it is to represent the Lord accurately.

Why is it that more Christian television and radio stations aren't owned by people of a more Reformed stripe? Argh!

FX Turk said...


Because we're not engaged in evangelism.

Dan B. said...

Thanks for a reminder Frank of why it's been difficult (at least until just recently) for me to land a job! Robertson's remarks make me cringe (yes I did attend the university he founded--it was a great experience) but does he have to open his mouth and say stuff like this? I echo your sentiments completely, sola.

I actually had an interviewer who jokingly asked me about Robertson's remarks on Chavez during an interview!

Alright, done venting. Funny article as well.

Matthew Self said...

Frank, 7 books? Dude, the "if you read Dan Brown's book you're going to hell" genre has become a whole new wing in the Christian book industry. Previously mediocre selling authors have rushed to the press to get their book with "Da Vinci" in the title. Last I checked there over 100 ... and growing.

Matthew Self said...

Also, Uncle Pat has been off his rocker for some time. As someone who believes the gifts are for today, I firmly believe that gift was not reserved for Pat Robertson and he dishonors the Gospel on a regular basis. He needs to be committed.

Supraman said...


First, the Clark Kent bit. Then, "Aich-Eee-double hockey sticks" and commentary from Al-Qaida (with the donkey-like laughter in the backgroung). Followed up with a Pat Robertson chaser...*snort* *wiping tears away*

I haven't laughed this hard since Brando played Jor-El.

chamblee54 said...

"anyone on the non-cessationist side of the fence who reads this blog want to stand up for Robertson's liberty to promote the spiritual gifts?"
Oh my, the evil bookstore owner has slapped me in the face with a glove.
First, there is the matter of "non cessationist". I suspect that god speaks to people all the time, although it may not be anything we don’t already know. While I do not quite believe everything I hear about "gifts of the holy spirit", this probably puts me in the non secessionist category.

As Scent knows, I once said in my blog that it is possible that god is a source of inspiration for the pictures that I make. My saying that did not please scent, and now I realize why.
Of course, to be a cessationist you have to accept the bible as the word of god, and that I don't do.

Now, we should consider Pat Robertson's right to" promote the spiritual gifts." It is not like anyone believes a word that idiot says. But, this is a free country,and he has the right to say it. No one is forced to watch his drivel. The skepticism that his over the top doom mongering breeds might extend to more mainstream bible thumpers. Just because you say something "in the name of jesus" doesn’t mean you are right.
To me, that is a "spiritual gift".
Of course, If I didn’t read jesus worship blogs, I wouldn't have heard about his latest "prophecy".
"A prophet is not without honor, except in his own land".
Scent, you should be careful when you say anyone.

FX Turk said...

I'm taking a vote of TeamPyro: delete Chanblee or let him stay?

Phil Johnson said...

Frank: You have both the power and the right to delete any comments you want to delete, subject only to your own discretion.

I never delete anything except clear rule violations. If a comment is borderline, I try to err on the side of grace.

We have a few regular commenters who definitely need lots of grace.

The only long-term ban I have enforced is "ct." He/she disappeared for several months and is now occasionally commenting again. I'll prolly let it slide as long as he/she can be civil.

Chamblee has been a long-term commenter and is a self-proclaimed non-Christian. His comments are usually disparaging and often seem calculated to annoy, but he generally stays well within the posted boundaries, so I nearly always let him have his say.

Again, you're free to delete, however. If the case came under review, I'd probably buy the argument that the phrase "evil bookstore owner" qualifies as a rule-2 vioation.

On the other hand, Chamblee's comments are always interesting illustrations of how unbelievers see things. If you're asking for my vote, I'd say leave it. Here's the record of someone who rejects Scripture as the Word of God but thinks his pictures are inspired. That pretty much speaks for itself.

chamblee54 said...

Thank you for the encouraging words.
There is a danger in preaching to the choir. Christians often forget that not everyone agrees with them, and that often they look ridiculous.
Yes, my comments are sometimes designed to annoy. But then, this is a blog that decided to celebrate Easter with a doctrinal dispute. It is the home of the Pyromaniac, a bomb thrower himself.
I am curious as to why anyone would be offended at someone suggesting that he is "helped" by god in the production of images. There is a lot more to god than scheming about life after death.
That is one reason I don’t like to think of god in terms of a book…it is too limiting. God is in everything and everybody, and fighting about which way to worship her is not a good use of time.
Anyway, you have an entertaining blog. Thank you for the work you do to keep it going.

FX Turk said...

Phil --

You see what he does with more than a simple "yes" or "no"?

Sheesh. You're right, of course, about allowing him to expose himself for what he is.

However, a group of very concerned-looking mennonites have begun pacing in front of my store muttering something I can't make out and I'm afraid a ... a discussion about the historical facts Dan Brown has abused is going to break out any minute. I'm sure it'll make CNN by the morning.

The horror!