19 December 2006

Making a list, but not spell-checking it

by Jolly Fat Man

You see, children: I really do keep a list, and here I am checking it the second time before the big Day. It used to be a fun day, but there are so blamed many of you these days that if I don't check it at least twice and get the naughty ones off the list, I'll never make it around the 4 corners of the globe in one night.

Ah, yes. My list. I'm sure you didn't know this, but the Jolly Fat Man makes a lot of lists during the year and because I can't use a PDA -- I always drop those tiny little buggers, they break, and of course the last time I sync'd was when Mama reminded me with than mean look in her eye -- I lose a lot of them. I'm pretty grateful, however, that I have elves all over the world these days who are compiling lists.

The reason I have interrupted TeamPyro -- and yes, I really read it; it's not a cardboard cutout of be prop'd up behind a spare GTY computer, or some biker who thinks he can make some quick gas money at Christmas, in spite of what the frowny-faced literalists would have you believe about me -- is to let you readers know that TeamPyro has been especially good this year (except for one of them, but I'll get to that), and they have a long list. In fact, when Dan brought me his list, he wanted to sit on my lap -- but (ho ho ho) he's pretty big guy. There's barely enough of my lap these days for me to sit at all -- heavens knows that he and I wouldn;t both fit!

So here's the TeamPyro Christmas list, with notes:

For Pecadillo:
  • A big fat steak, or at least a gift card good for one. Because he now eats too many donuts.
  • A nice girl. He's really a nice boy in spite of his blog (Ho ho ho), and he needs a nice girl. His brother has a nice girl, and somehow cent has a nice girl. Pec would benefit from a nice girl.
  • A real man's gun. Because the service revolver is for rookies, and nobody gets accused of having a "boyish face" when he points gray 64 HRC tenifer in someone's face.
For Dan:
  • A real man's gun. Dan would feel left out if Pec had all the fire power.
  • BibleWorks 7 Fully Loaded. The sidearm is nice, but this is the weapon of choice for a guy like Dan.
  • A nice hat. He has a nice head, and the nice hat would fit nicely.
For Phil:
  • CS3. Phil is using a second-rate bundle to load the blog with images. Imagine what he could do with the real thing.
  • A teamPyro leather jacket. The embroidery is a nightmare, but I have my best elves on it and we'll see if they can have it ready by Christmas this year.
For that scoundrel centuri0n or Frank or whatever his name is:
  • Nothin'. He already has so much more than he deserves, and if there is any member of TeamPyro which is naughty, he's the one. Listen: I know naughty from nice, and he's not nice. Nothing for Frank, including that iPod car adapter he keeps mooning over, the new Apple Intel widescreen laptop, the first season of Justice League Unlimited on DVD, and fuzzy slipper boots with the rubber soles. I know what you want, Frank -- I got your letter. And in spite of your wacky defense of me last year, you still get the box of rocks, you troublemaker.
So you better watch out, and no cryin' over what's coming this Christmas. Santa does not take a vote, and he's got witnesses to support his generous verdicts.

Happy Christmas to all -- and to all a Good Night!


Kay said...


thelyamhound said...

Heh, heh.

David A. Carlson said...

....And in spite of your wacky defense of me last year, you still get the box of rocks, you troublemaker.

But will his wife get the Glock?

C.T. Lillies said...

Ah the Sovereignty of Santa is it? Why does he get to make all the choices?

"...the word of God is not bound."
--2 Timothy 2:9

étrangère said...

Hm, I was slightly disturbed by the description beside the hat in the shop: "Wear your theology on your shoulder like a man!" What kind of man wears a hat on his shoulder??

Lindon said...

Santa, PLEASE get Frank some grown up graphics for his blog. Those hyper-hero cartoon characters are wearing me out.

Thank goodness the content is awesome!~ :o)

FX Turk said...


Santa hates my blog.

We are not changing the graphics.

End of story.

Qohelet said...

Merry Christmas to all of you.

Now, how about a Christmas gift from teampyro to all of us sheep out here in blogdom. Maybe a little substance?


Neil said...

Jolly Guy, you're much nicer than Dan. He didn't get anything for the cop.

FX Turk said...

Oh. Now you want substance?

Man. Our readers are TOUGH!

Kim said...

Tsk tsk tsk.

Frank, you should not use the word "hate" and "Santa" in the same sentence.

You're ruining my innocent illusions.

Ebeth said...

If I could give these Maniacs a gift, it would be good health for an indefinite period of time.

babs said...

Dear Santa,

You said Pecadillo needs "A nice girl. He's really a nice boy in spite of his blog (Ho ho ho), and he needs a nice girl...."

Are you accepting applications for him? After all, you do have "THE" official list that would confirm that the applicant is indeed "nice".