18 July 2007

The Prayer of Jpeg

by Pecadillo

I don't often weigh in on the various debates and discussions that frequently arise at this blog. Let's face it, I'm really just an honorary Pyromaniac, kind of like when cousin Oliver joined the cast of the Brady Bunch. No one turns to me for my thoughts on the emerging church or the various elements of Premillennialism. That would be like going to a Star Wars convention and attempting to engage the hotel janitor in a debate about continuity errors with Darth Vader's chest plate.

What we have here are three bloggers that are experts in serious, important theological issues and one blogger that knows where to go to buy the best deep fried Twinkies. However, we are currently involved in an issue about which, I feel like I have something to say:

Cats are evil, plain and simple.

If you can't see that—well, then I'm very sorry, but you're just wrong. The only thing worse than a cat is a cat owner who can't understand why no one else likes the cat.

My job requires me to go into many different houses and apartments and see firsthand how people live. I've come across a lot of cat people, and they always leave a bad taste in my mouth. A few weeks ago, I was called to respond to the home of a man who thought he had been burglarized. He had stepped out of his apartment for a quick trip to the market and when he came back, he found that his screen door was ajar. Upon our arrival, he requested that my partner and I go through his apartment and make sure any possible burglars were gone. As I stepped through the door, I was hit by a wall of cat stink that almost sent me to my knees. Keep in mind - I used to work in a pet store, I can handle a little pet odor.

This was different; this was evil.

As I made my way through this man's apartment, I found no less than ten different litter boxes, hundreds of framed cat pictures, and far too many cats to count. What else did I find? You guessed it; no sign of any other human's having ever stepped foot inside. After searching the remainder of the house and verifying that there was no evidence of a break-in, I quickly made my way out of the apartment and back toward its only human resident. After speaking with him for a few short minutes I found out a few things that didn't exactly come as a surprise: 1) he was single and lived alone. 2) he was self-employed and rarely made it outside his home. And 3) his work involved photographing cats in various costumes. I assured the man that it was safe (I suppose) to go back into his home.

As my partner and I tried slowly to back away from this guy, he reached out and handed us each his business card. "Did you like my photographs? I don't just shoot cats, I do all pets. Go ahead and keep this card; ya never know."

I knew. I knew right then and there that this guy was never going anywhere near my dog.

Ever.

I assume that if there had indeed been an attempted burglary, the thief only made it a few steps into the apartment before getting freaked out and running home to take a shower.

Or maybe one of the cats opened the door.

In short, the fleeing-in-terror scenario is what I want to avoid over here at Pyromaniacs. I'd hate to have somebody stumble upon the blog, but quickly leave without reading anything after seeing multiple cat pictures. Maybe I'm just used to writing for the type of people who require frequent visual aides, but I do think the cat photos need to stop.




42 comments:

BugBlaster said...

I once had to extract a square yard of floorboard in our living room and replace it because our cat was bladder-challenged whenever he went near that spot. The end of the finger I smashed with the hammer trying to get that pestilence out of there is permanently numb.

I'm with you.

Jon Nunley said...

Ummmmm..... "meow"

If anyone questions that cats are evil, then watch the Demon Cat

(Lisa)

Jon Nunley said...

Oh... and apparently the name of the possessed demon cat at the link above is "Burger"... Mmmmmmm.... makes me want to dine at Pho 11's

David Cho said...

One of the funniest blog posts ever.

SJ Camp said...

This post was fantastic! Thank you.

I am a faithful dog owner too (I've had about ten dogs in the last ten or so years. Many of them rescue dogs to which we found other homes for. Never have had a bad dog.

I have a Labradoodle and at Pit-bull/Boxer mix. Really great dogs.

I think that cats have one key purpose in life: they belong under tires or they're good fried :-).

Great post and thanks for sticking up for the canines.

Campi

PS - you deep fry the Twinkies? Very cool, how does that work exactly?

wfseube said...

Martin Milner and Kent McCord would definitely be dog people....

jen elslager said...

I like the cat pictures. Except the one in this post.

Not all of us cat people have stinky houses. Some of us do change the litter box regularly.

At least cats leave it in a box or bury it outside. Dogs leave it anywhere to be stepped in (!!!) and then tracked everywhere. Now that stinks.

Cats rule, dogs... oh, never mind.

PS - Campi, that's just sick.

Connie said...

You've obviously missed the real life picture of spiritual truth that cats by their nature offer us--they are NOT people pleasers and do NOT struggle with the "fear of man".

When was the last time you had a cat RUN to greet you at the door? When was the last time a cat jumped up the minute they saw you in anticipation of your undying affection?

Dogs on the other hand, are shameless "people pleasers"--willing to do just about any humilating trick for a little attention and maybe a nasty bone to chew endlessly on!

Sorry, but you've missed one the "obvious" lessons provided by cats! We all would do well to watch and learn from our feline friends!!!! :-)

BTW, we only have two cats PLUS we have a dog--oh yea, and only two litter boxes!!!

steve said...

Sigh.

candyinsierras said...

Glad to see someone took up my idea of road kill pics, even though I think my previous comment on the last post was in poor taste. It was Frank's fault. It was his comment about fava beans and chianti that influenced me.

Talk about weird. Think of a really large strong reticent New Englander guy (my husband), and what do you think he named his kittens? Scooter and Patches! A good example of how kittens can bring a strong man down.

Qjay said...

I feel that although you must be quite liberal in your theology to allow cats, it is not an issue to split a church over... unless you are a baptist.

I don't just shoot cats

Perhaps I'm going out of my reformed manner when I quote this piece out of context, but I agree with this statement... There is so much more fun to be had.

Ps. I am a baptist

Caleb White said...

http://images2.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/Killer-kitty.jpg

bloggernaut said...

Sounds like Pecadillo can apply the abstinence view of alcohol to the owning of cats. Aha...

Kim said...

I can take or leave cats. However, I will say that the scent of cat urine is like an evil that won't go away.

Just think of what chemical warfare would be like if someone bottled cat uriine as used it as a weapon.

GrayDave said...

What's your feelings on ferrets? Just last night I wasted an hour of my life watching a show about ferret owners on PBS. I turned it on for a minute to see what it was about and stayed for the whole show because I was so amazed. Were those people regular humans like me or aliens?

Sewing said...

I'm more of a cat person than a dog person, but the cat photos have totally overrun this blog. Frank just put up a long and undoubtedly brilliant post that bumped Pec's that I haven't even begun to read yet, but forget whatever deep-seated theological principle he was writing about—I was all ready to comment on the "cat in a hat" image he'd put on it.

ajlin said...

Last night I was over at the house of some friends from church.
They told me that before my wife and I came to join the church, there was a couple that never had children, but had two cats that they treated like children.
One day, a guest preacher was speaking at the church meeting and he began to make an analogy between cats and sin. Knowing the love that this certain couple had for cats, the pastor's wife tried to motion to the guest preacher to take it easy. The guest preacher did not notice and proceeded with the illustration:
"Sin is like a cat, at first its just rubbing against your leg. Then it jumps up into your lap. The next thing you know, it's clawing at your chest. And there's nothing you can do but just throw it down on the floor and kick its brains out!"
The cat-loving couple immediately got up and walked out.

jsb said...

Hey, I actually got to meet Kent McCord the other day! He looks great. The hair is gray, but he hasn't lost a single one.

Peter said...

Campi, how can a man who writes such God-honoring songs write such terrible things about cats! Don't make me burn your CD's!

And Pec, I would prefer your thoughts on pre-mid-trib rapture literature of the Middle Ages written by women of the Pony Express to bad-mouthing cats.

In the Kingdom, cats will speak English and rule with us over the lower animals. SGD!

Stan said...

What a shame! Cats are clearly a gift from God. They teach us patience by demonstrating it. They exhibit the concept of "wise as serpents and innocent as doves." They demonstrate God's love in that they love on their terms, not ours. Scripture uses cats (specifically lions) to illustrate supremacy (Micah 5:8), power (Isa. 38:13), and judgment (Isa. 15:9). God compares Himself to a lion (Hos. 5:14), and Jesus is called "the Lion of Judah" (Rev. 5:5).

Just because some have abused the cat concept doesn't make cats themselves evil. (Substitute "Election" for "cat" in that sentence and you'll see what I mean.) Indeed, any true Christian should love cats. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you. Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you.

(Since I'm not a regular commenter here, I will point out, just in case someone misunderstands, that this was intended as much in fun as the blog post.)

Tyler said...

Every word of what you have said is true, and I don't mean 'true' in the sense that 'all truths are local.' I'll add that hated qualifier, 'Absolute.' You speak the absolute truth Pecadillo. I don't care about having one cat in the house, but when the population of cats in one house is more than the population of humans in one city, it's time to perform some mercy killings for the sake of the humans in the neighbourhood. Either we take down the cats or the cats take down us. Choose your sides.

Cindy said...

All Christians should take care of animals as it says in Proverbs......."A Righteous man takes care of the needs of his animals".....not exactly sure which chapter it is in, but no doubt, it is in there.

Whether it's a dog or a cat, a pet snake or a pet bird. I once had an African Gray Parrot that my brother gave me. This bird was his companion (it used to sleep right by his head at night), but once Scott got married, his wife got tired of cleaning up after this bird and decided she wanted the bird out. So obviously Scott had to come to terms with his wife....which he was more than willing to do....so guess what? I got the bird and this bird bit me on my lip and actually drew blood. I was pretty ticked off because I was really nice to her. Anyway, they say that African Grays bond to one person for life, so that's probally why she didn't want me to invade her space.

She ended up flying away into the neighborhoods of Atlanta!

Cindy said...

Oh gee, I left out one detail that I meant to mention. This bird......her name was Tootsie......picked up the Cat's Meow. She copied a cat that we had in the family. She sounded soooo sweet until she bit my lip!

Rhology said...

And of course there are these 2 cats.

Can you ever have that much fun w/ a dog? Seriously, now...

threegirldad said...

[Paraphrasing - no doubt badly - from memory, since I don't have the cartoon anymore...]

Dilbert on dogs -
What owners say: "Bad dog, Ginger! No chewing the bathroom slippers, Ginger! Bad dog - no biscuit!!!"

What dogs hear: "Blah blah, Ginger! Blah blah blah blah blah, Ginger! Blah blah - blah blah!!!"

Dilbert on cats -
What owners say: "Bad kitty! Bad, bad kitty! No clawing the funiture!!!"

What cats hear: " "

And this should be on every believer's bookshelf, right next to your copy of Institutes of the Christian Religion and Bondage of the Will.

[ducking, running, and grinning]

SolaMeanie said...

Bravo, bravo! Well done, sir! Let this moment be immortalized forever. (biggrin)

But I still like cats. The man you encountered and his little pigsty is the exception to the rule with cat owners. Trust me on that.

candyinsierras said...

Pec. You need to be a writer. Not just as a hobby. You do satire so well. You seriously hit it out of the ballpark every time.

Impacted Wisdom Truth said...

My eighteen pound Persian Angora cat used to chase and beat up our neighbor's dog. Dogs, meh.

Sewing said...

Jon Nunley, that "Demon Cat" is something else. Wow. I don't have external speakers on this computer, but I could hear the cat's yowl clear as day. Sent shivers down my spine.

Pecadillo said...

JSB

I want the entire story of when you met Kent McCord. He's probably the only famous person that I would be star struck meeting. Well, him and Tesh.

Rose said...

My high school physics teacher use cats in illustrations of projectiles and how they fall. For example, if you throw a cat off a cliff at angle x at y km/h how far from the base will the splat be.You had to have a good stomach to handle someone those question. :)

It is interesting how much some people hate cats. I like them to an extent. I their attitude better then dogs. They can be annoying though.

Garet Pahl said...

I despise cats. Maybe it's because I'm so allergic that whenever a cat crosses my path my throat swells shut and my eyes itch painfully for hours. Since I can't even touch one without fits of wheezing, I must remove the little buggers with this handy dandy device.

donsands said...

I had plenty of cats. I had a Tomcat, named Rocket Cat, and he was a warrior. Hardly any ears left, and one eye gone with tons of scars, and yet he would come and sit on your lap and eat potatoe chips.

Cats can be cool. And they can also be something that I hate. I think you can hate them and love them. depends on the cat for me.

Bewildered Berean said...

Even the Lion of the Tribe of Judah? - that would be a BIG cat that just might have something to say about that.

Ric said...

Now that's a blog I can swing a dead cat at!

TrothKeepr said...

LMTO!

Down with cats (the virtual fur is causing a sneezing fit): more bulldog pix!

centuri0n said...

Kent McCord has really nice hair.

I'm jealous.

philness said...

Pic,

Once upon a time in Austin, Texas where I lived, there was this dead cat on the lower deck (Interstate 35). For days this dead cat lay there continually getting run over. The cat made the local radio talk shows and still road crews just left it there. One morning the popular radio show of the day (and still is I hear) called the Sammy & Bob show announced that the cat had been road striped over. True story. Road striping crews painted a yellow line smooth over the dead cat on the lower deck of I35. They even made t-shirts. It was a hoot.

SolaMeanie said...

What about Aslan? Wouldn't C.S. Lewis be highly offended to think that someone would want to banish his not-tame lion to the nether regions? Fie on thee!

I personally would love to have a pet black panther or ocelot. Best burglar alarm in the world.

Jim Pemberton said...

I can enjoy pet-torture humor as well as the next sinner. What was it about this football player and dog fighting?

No, what really caught my attention in this piece was not the cats. It was this poor maladjusted bloke. My question is this - how do we tend to minister to people who have obvious socialization issues? Why, we stay away from them until they figure out on their own how to fit in.

Amanda said...

I agree, although my most recent post would seem to contradict it: cats are evil.

WildRose said...

Pecadillo, you really should ask yourself whether or not you have better things to do than rant about how evil cats are.

Besides, it is people like that who give the rest of cat owners a bad name. Nine times out of ten, the cat is just an excuse anyway. Were there no cat, the house would still be dirty and smelly.