Men, fathers, husbands: under fire from all sides

by Dan Phillips

First, the admission. I imagine that I — a card-carrying male, husband, and father — am more sensitive to the way males, husbands and fathers are regarded. After all, I are one.

Now the musing. An editorial in the Washington Times briefly discusses "Anti-dad bias." At the start, it says that "American television has come a long way from the 1950s series 'Father Knows Best.'" I think the writer was riffing off the title of that series as a bench-mark of a day when fathers were respected and well-regarded. I loved that series as a child, but in fact it leaned in the opposite direction. The father, played by Robert Young (good actor, sad life and wretched religious choice), was portrayed as a well-meaning, bumbling inept. He's been followed by countless other similar portrayals, cut from the same moldy mold.

Here we part from the article, which leaves the general treatment of fathers in our culture to focus on on divorce, child-support payments and visitation issues. But as we pass Mother's Day and head towards Father's Day, my thoughts turn to dear ol' dad.

To say too much too briefly, I think men/husbands/fathers receive very varied treatment in evangelicalism, broadly defined.

On the one extreme you have folks who say, in so many words, that the father (has so much power and responsibility that he) is directly chargeable for everything that goes wrong in the family. He just needs to man up, feel the power, and get 'er done. There! There y'go. Now: on "three": one... two....

As I have argued at some length, I strongly disagree with that viewpoint.

At the other edge are those evanjellybeanicals who are working hard to turn men into women. Men are, pretty much, always wrong, stupid, contemptible — we're told. They'd do so much better if they'd just be more like their wives. I'm not kidding. I remember years ago listening to one of those Family Issues Experts, a man with a national ministry, books, seminars, radio — talking about a trip he took with his wife. Among other things, he'd planned that they spend time together in the Word and praying on their time away.

Well, boy oh boy. He hadn't secured her permission for that activity. And she punished him for it, bad boy that he was. And boy, was he sorry. And he told us all how bad he'd been, so we could all be good boys.

Now you all know by now that I'm not the sort who charts out extremes then picks a place in the middle, but that's where I find myself on this... to some degree. That is, being a man means taking responsibility. But it also means having a certain degree of — boy, is this going to set some people off — delegated and limited authority. God holds him to account, and he tells those for whom the man is to care that they should respect him and subordinate themselves to his leadership (Ephesians 5:22, 24, 33b; 6:1-3).

I think the phrase "servant leadership" has become almost useless. As commonly employed, the first word is used to obliterate the second. But we should remember that the premier example over all possible examples is Jesus Christ (Matthew 20:26-28) — and specifically in Him doing what nobody wanted Him to do! He crossed their wills (no pun), because they needed Him to.

So it's not all about taking a vote and going with the majority, any more than it's all about pounding your chest, doing a Tarzan-yell, and barking out overbearing orders.

So there's Dadhood Today for you. Steady hail of gunfire from both directions. You're too feminized, you need to get your testosterone on and TAKE CHARGE FOR GOD; and you're too brutish and domineering, and you need to become more like... well, more like your wife!

On the subject, I think there are only two kinds: people who recognize it's complicated, and idi... hm, what's the nice word? "The unthoughtful."

HSAT, I of course think it's best to err on the side of taking responsibility.

Illustration: once upon an undatable-by-you time, an unidentifiable-by-you pair of my four kids showed my dear wife a degree of disrespect that appalled me. I learned of this while at work.

On the way home, I bought some food for a meal such as my wife loves. I got home, set Valerie's place with care, called us all to dinner. Made my children stand with me as I seated Valerie with particular honor, and served her. We prayed.

Then I talked with them and explained what was about to happen. I reminded them of what I'd taught them since the cradle about respecting their mother. I told them how appalled and shamed I was by what they'd done (don't let your imagination go nuts; you'd probably think it a small thing — I think it related to homeschooling), and that I would never tolerate such treatment of their mother — ever.

And so, I told them that we would all keep Mom good company as she enjoyed her dinner. I told them they could have water — and that was it.*

And I told them I'd do the same.

Why? I told them that I must somehow have failed to communicate how deadly serious I was in what I'd taught them. So we'd all just let it growl a bit, together.

Did it "take," deeply? God knows. I can say that there was no replay. I did my best to get it across, I prayed it did, and that's about the limit of a mere mortal's abilities (the Dad-as-ominipotent-king group to the contrary notwithstanding).

All that to take a 180-degree turn, and say this:

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones
(Proverbs 12:4)

I dearly hope you men regularly shower appreciation on your wives. I hope you used Mother's Day to do it even more. If not, better late than never, while you still can.

I also hope you ladies make your husbands feel like kings regularly, and use Father's Day to do it even more. Because it is also your responsibility to teach (yourself and) your children to honor your husband, their father.

Gentlemen, it is your responsibility to take the lead in showing your children how to honor your wife, their mother (Proverbs 31:28-31). Set the mark high.

Ladies, it is your responsibility to take the lead in showing your children how to honor your husband, their father (Ephesians 5:33b). It starts in your heart. Set the mark high.

*NOTE: No Phillips children were starved (or ever have been) in the teaching of this (or any) lesson. Trust me on this.

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What He Must Read

by Frank Turk

About three years ago (I think) my friend johnMark linked me to a talk by this fellow who was railing on against the popular model of youth ministry, the popular conception of family and success, the myth of the Southern Baptist Convention, and the necessity of the Gospel for the church. For some, I am sure, the message sounded like complete madness, but to me, it was amazing.

The speaker was Voddie Baucham Jr., and I became an instant fan. The problem was that Pastor Baucham sort of fell off the face of evangelidom. He did one thing with John Piper, and there was something else I can't remember, and he wrote another book about family-centered faith models. So while I expected him to be some kind of "next big thing" (especially in the circles I am sort of involved in or looking over the fence into), it turns out he was more interested in being a husband, father, and pastor -- to which I say, "may his tribe increase."

But then about 4 weeks ago Crossway sent me this book you see pictured at here at the top of the post titled What He Must Be, which Pastor Baucham wrote. And the topic is, well, startling -- because the full title is What He Must Be . . . If He Wants to Marry My Daughter.

Aha!

Now, at this point, I am supposed to write a review of this book and whatever -- and if I disagreed with the book, of course it would break into a six-part autopsy of the body. But fortunately for all of us, this is not that kind of review.

But here's the thing: I'm actually in the middle of this year-long series on what the Pastor should be, and this book has dropped into the middle of my study. So in that, I'm going to make a brief connection to that topic, then give you the breakdown on this book which is probably in the top three books of the last 50 years on marriage and the call to being a husband. (the other two, for the easily-distracted, are Sacred Marriage and, in spite of the associated TV show, Marriage on the Rock)

You know, Paul tells Titus that the one who would be an elder should be "above reproach" and have "children who are believers". And in that description (which we will get back to in the long run), what we find is the nut from which this book about what kind of young man we should seek out for our daughters grows into a kind of oak tree of spiritual instruction.



In my view, the book has two clear faults: it has no scripture reference in the back (note to Crossway: add it to the second edition), and the sociological vision of chapter 2 was, I thought, too loosely-secular. It was really a compilation of statistics about marriage -- and let's be frank: nobody doubts today that marriage as an institution today is on the rocks, floundering as the church sort of looks on morosely. But even if it wasn't, or we didn't know it, that would be irrelevant to the point at-hand, which is what the Bible calls men to be.

But I can't say this clearly enough: you have to overlook those faults to get into this book and grab a robust view of the role of a husband and a father -- both from the perspective of what you personally ought to be in your family, and what you ought to seek out in and mentor into young men who think they want something to do with young women, especially the young women in your family.

I started out with a pad of post-it notes as I crossed over into Chapter 3, afraid I was going to get let down by this book because of Chapter 2 -- and instead I found myself wall-papering its interior with notes for quotes. The rich theology is both accessible and convicting; the common sense and fatherly perspective make the book frankly-engrossing.

Pastor Baucham covers the bases of biblical manhood: patriarchy, Christ-likeness, leadership, fatherliness, and what he calls "the 4 P's" (read the book to find out what that means). This is a book about reclaiming the role of men in our families, our churches and our society -- and I say, "Lay it on, my friend!"

There's nothing sort of subtle about this book, and that is a strong compliment. Let me put it this way: non-fiction comes in three categories, more or less -- the descriptive, the instructive, and the "convictive". A descriptive book tells you that something was done, or is being done -- like a history book, or a biography -- and can be entertaining or somewhat instructive. An instructive book tells you how something can be done -- one perspective on the tactics involved, like Joe Carter's book on how to argue persuasively -- and is totally useful and serviceable. The "convictive" book doesn't just tell you about what happens or has happened, and doesn't just talk about how to do it: it seeks to show you why this stuff it is talking about is important, and moves you from being an observer to being a practitioner because your heart is in it.

Voddie Baucham practices what he's preaching here, and he wants you to do it, too. In that sense, it is a deeply pastoral book -- seeking to make disciples of men, to be doers of the word and not just hearers only. Read this book, and then read it again, and then tear out the chapters and make little booklets of them so you can share them in small groups, and then start teaching this stuff to your sons so they can be this kind of men. And then teach it to your daughters so they kind find these kind of men.

Very good book. In fact, I think so much of it I want to give one away. Here's the deal: in the meta -- the "comments" for you blog-noobs -- I want you to tell me, in 50 words or less, why you or your family or your church needs this book. You can start posting immediately, but only post once (if you post twice, you're out of consideration). You can post here until end of the day Friday (Midnight my time; that's 10 PM left-coast time), and I'll review the entries and award a book on Monday to the best answer.

And if you don't win one, just buy one. This book is worth every penny, and you will read it more than once.

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